DC tour guide...or not

I am not, nor will I ever be, a tour guide of Washington DC. Living only an hour away from the city, all my friends and family who visit from Georgia just beg to go to DC. This would be fine with me except for the fact that I do not like the outdoors, the heat, or seeing places over and over again. These things make me hate playing tour guide.

The Capitol is beautiful. It has impressive architecture, beautiful statues and intricate paintings. I could probably give you a tour on my own and do just as good a job as the professional tour guides. I could probably quote the movie at the beginning of the tour (the past few times I've slept through it, so maybe not). I hate tours. With a passion.

The Smithsonian museums are huge. And there are so many of them. When my guests tell me they want to visit all the Smithsonians, I just roll my eyes and plan to take them to the 3 major ones. I will admit, I do enjoy the museums....I just hate the crowds. The Natural History museum houses the Hope Diamond - really guys, not that impressive. Especially not worth getting close enough to 20 of your closest strangers to see the hairs on their noses and feel their sweat drip down your arm. Gross. And ridiculous.

The Metro is the best rail system I've been on. Granted, the only other one I've been on is Marta in Atlanta which is terrifying. The Metro has super clean stations, the trains are mostly air-conditioned and they are really efficient. I'm still scared to go over the water or go really fast, though. The trains shake and let's face it, the only thing keeping them out of the water or off the pavement is this relatively thin rail. Uhhh, no thanks!

The monuments are cool...for the first one or two visits. After that, they're just plain irritating. The Lincoln memorial houses a humongous statue of President Lincoln. Gorgeous. But by the time you've climbed the 8 million (ok, I think it's like 78) stairs, you're too tired to even lift your head up to see him and even if you could, the stifling heat and humidity and body odor is enough to make you want out immediately. The Washington memorial is ridiculously huge. It, however, is incredibly far away from anything else, i.e. the other memorials, a bathroom, food and the Metro.

Don't get me wrong - I am always in awe at our country's capital and respect all the monuments and memorials and what they stand for. Let's just say, I'm ready for a move to anywhere far from here - North Carolina, Georgia, California, or even Japan. C'mon Marine Corps, help me out here!